“Hi everybody!  That’s right, we’re in Torino, Italy at the 2006 Winter Olympics, where our three judges, Randy, Paula and Simon, will give their scathing self-important opinions during the Figure Skating competition!  I’m Whinin’ Seacrest!  Don’t you think I look like a young Dick Clark?  Don’t you wish you were me?  Some of these figure skaters are hot…eh, that’s right, our show is a worldwide phenomenon!  We’ve become a well-oiled, moneymaking machine running as sweet and smooth as an Italian sports car…we are your American Idle!”  

 

“Do you like the hint of facial stubble?  Damn, I look good, but I’m like a regular guy!  Okay, let’s get right to it and meet our three judges!  First, we have the main dawg, and I’ll be happy to translate his cool, hip street slang for you if you need it….the leader of the Dawg Pound, Randy “Action” Jackson!”

 

“In the middle seat, she’s sweet, she’s lovely, she’s sometimes confused, and if you play your cards right, she could be “Forever Your Girl,” she’s our very own Miss Ballya Abdul!”

 

“And finally….(Boooooooo)….Yes, he’s smarmy, he’s rude, he’s never found a tee- shirt he couldn’t squeeze into, he’s our favorite English Metrosexual…..he’s Simon Scowl!!!!!!”

 

(From Ukraine, that was Svetma Ballzoff!)

 

Randy:  “Yeah Dude, that was aaiieeght!  You got it goin’ on!  My dawg be doin’ it!  Yeah!”

 

Whinin’:  “Hey, Randy liked that performance…I think!”

 

Ballya:   “Svetma…you’re a star.  I felt your spirit.  It’s...you…your skating transcends the frame of time that you…you’re so special….here’s my phone number!”

 

Simon:   “That was simply putrid.  It was abysmal.  If you have another job, I suggest you stick with that!  It’s rather cold in here….are my nipples showing?”