The College Years.  Wrapped in the rosy glow of “the good old days,” the college years were a time where we suspended all of our normal good sense to…well, to do just about whatever anyone asked us to.  From strange sacrificial ceremonies to blindfolded, drunken sexual escapades, many of us have awakened asking our roommate the most dreaded of all questions: “What did I do last night?”  It’s sort of like being on vacation in a place where you know absolutely no one; oh yeah, you’re gonna get a little loose.  Make that a LOT loose.  
     When you add to it, the fact that those years come at a time when you’ve never looked or felt better…hell, it’s a wonder we all don’t wind up doing hard time.
     If there are any parents of college-age kids reading this, of COURSE we’re not talking about your little Becky or Joshua.  They’re the same sensible, good citizens you raised.  You can probably sit this one out.  However, the rest of you are invited to pop the top on a cold one and sit back as Wasted Wits shows you:

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE COLLEGE YEARS…AND NOW


The College Years- It isn’t unusual to wake up and find people you’ve never met, sleeping on your floor…wearing your clothes.  You just try not to step on them as you make your way to the john.

Now-    You call the police.
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The College Years-   A party means lots of beer consumption using all sorts of funnels and whatever other gizmos you can find to get the beer through your pie hole as quick as possible.  The last time you threw up this much, you were three years old.  And doing the “Wild Thing” is not only possible but probable…if you can only get those chicks over there to stop making out with each other for a second.


Now-    A party involves a few friends, good food, a little jazz, and maybe a board game.  Wake us up when it’s over.  And the only “Wild Thing” in your night will be those raccoons raising hell outside devouring the leftovers.

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The College Years-     You will eat and drink anything.  Period.  The food expiration dates mean nothing to you.  Under the right circumstances, you will even drink your own urine.  Hey, Slim Jims and marshmallows for breakfast?  Serve ‘em up!!!  What’s this green stuff on the leftover pizza from last week?  It’s fantastic!  You can’t even spell “heartburn.”

Now-   Only filtered water.  That doesn’t have onions in it does it?  You KNOW I can’t eat onions!  No dessert for me…I’m stuffed from the broccoli.  Don’t you have skim milk?  I can’t have caffeine.  Don’t let my food touch!  I can’t eat this steak…it’s a little pink in the middle.  
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The College Years-    Your car (if you have one), is literally held together with duct tape.  You buy your gas a gallon at a time.  Your buddies in the back seat can see the road underNEATH the car.  The people at Guinness World Records have called you concerning the number of passengers your car is rumored to hold.  Your windshield wiper consists of a friend with a rag.  Since the driver’s door doesn’t open, getting in and out of the car requires the finesse of a NASCAR driver.  If it weren’t for your car, your sex life would only be half of what it is.

Now-     Oh my God, I was supposed to get the oil changed 200 miles ago!  No eating in the car!  Isn’t she great?  I got a great deal---only $36,000!  I think I’ll take her in for a check-up…I’m supposed to be getting 29 mpg and I’m only getting 28.  Honey, not now for God’s sake!  We might get something on the seat cushions!

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The College Years-      A Threesome?  Foursome?  What the hell, how many can we fit into this room?  Tonight you’re entering a world that’s wholly unfamiliar to you.  This freaky chick is digging you and she’s ready to burn your house down.  Hey, what’s this German Shepherd doing in here?  All previously forbidden taboos are now fair game.  You’re terrified.  Uh, is it safe to be putting this stuff on down there?  The music is blasting, the sweat is flying…tonight, you’re no longer you.  You’re Gene Simmons.            

    
Now-     zzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ

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The College Years-    Strip clubs are about the best night out that you and your buddies can imagine.  It’s a little pricey, but what the hey…you don’t need a lap dance!  Yeah, these chicks look amazing, but it’s all sort of a goof.  You’ve never laughed so hard.  Hey, that chick seems to be digging me…it’s just part of the act, right?  Oh my God, she gave me her phone number!  I would NEVER go out with a stripper.  Where the hell is my cell phone?

Now-   Does this town even HAVE a strip club?

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The College Years-