US Today Spoof JESUS RETURNS? CHARLESTON (AP) -- A barefoot man clad in robes is capturing the attention of Americans everywhere. Recent stories of this simple, unassuming man who calls himself Jesus have made their way to our shores as he spent the past months traveling, on foot, through the Middle East. Initially dismissed as a kook, he is now being considered by some, to be the Messiah. He certainly doesn’t look like a savior. Coming across more as a somewhat stoned relic from the sixties, he sleeps where he can and eats what he can find. His long hair and beard—no longer shocking in these modern times—give him a disheveled look; he looks like most any homeless person you’ve ever seen. And now, he’s in America. Having arrived over a month ago aboard a cargo ship, this “Jesus” raises many questions as he interacts with U.S. citizens. What does he want? Is he seeking attention? Apparently not, as he has refused numerous interview offers. Is he looking to cash in on this “gimmick?” He shuns all offers of money. So, what gives? According to those folks who follow his every move, he claims to be a carpenter, though he apparently has not looked for work. Reportedly, he recently received a pound of salmon and a loaf of French bread from a local Safeway store and somehow used it to feed a group of twenty-four people at a homeless shelter. He is frequently refused entry into many establishments under the “no shoes, no service” policy. Walking along the highway, he has been pelted with garbage, rocks, and soda cans. If he is the Messiah, his arrival is a somewhat inauspicious one. US Today is devoting much of today’s front page to report on this curious story. We make no judgments and, in fact, are pursuing all avenues to secure an interview with this gentleman as soon as possible. ROBERTSON CALLS “JESUS” AN IMPOSTER VIRGINIA BEACH (AP) -- Well-known televangelist Pat Robertson has issued a statement on the man who calls himself Jesus. At a press conference from the Christian Broadcasting Network facilities, Robertson stated, “I don’t know what this fellow is trying to do, but there’s no doubt in my mind that he is NOT Jesus our Lord. For one thing, he has dark skin, full lips, a broad nose and his hair is coarse. This doesn’t sound like the Jesus that I know from the Scriptures. I suggest that everyone resist giving this man the attention he obviously craves and focus on the miracles that the REAL Jesus brings us each and every day.” “JESUS” ARRESTED CHARLESTON (AP) -- The quiet roadside traveler known simply as “Jesus,” was arrested recently in Charleston. Local police state that the man and his followers had been assembling unlawfully and were disturbing the peace. “There was also some sort of ceremony taking place, involving wine and we got him on an open-container violation,” said police chief Red Knekcopp. “We see all kinds of kooks around here and now we have this nut calling himself Jesus. We’re a very religious community and we just don’t appreciate this sort of thing.” ROVE CALLS FOR MEETING WITH “JESUS” WASHINGTON (AP) -- Republican political mastermind, Karl Rove, has reportedly issued a request to meet with Jesus, the homeless traveler who has been receiving such attention in recent weeks. Inside sources say that Rove plans to capitalize on the groundswell of publicity this man has received, just in time for the upcoming elections. “If this man is Jesus, then he surely is a Republican,” said the inside source. NIKE SEEKS “JESUS” FOR AD CAMPAIGN PORTLAND (AP) -- The Nike Corporation is reportedly seeking to sign the robed wanderer named “Jesus,” to a multi-million dollar ad campaign. Nike spokesperson, Jess Dewitt, says, “Look, we aren’t saying that this man is or isn’t Jesus. However, we think that he does project the Nike image: earthy, simple, and direct. We see his robes displaying the Nike Swoosh. And, of course, we have plenty of shoes to put on those bare feet. We can see him walking through the countryside wearing his Michael Jordans singing “Oh Happy Day.” “JESUS” INJURED IN TEXAS SHOOTING HOUSTON (AP) -- The homeless man known, as “Jesus” was the victim of a shooting Tuesday night when he was found along I-10 with a single gunshot wound to his abdomen and “Jesus is a homo” sprayed across his chest. The Methodist Hospital spokesperson stated that, “The gunshot injury should have been much worse. We’re not sure how he survived, and in fact, we just received notice that the wound is almost completely healed. It’s amazing”