|
|
1. Going To A Comedy Club - A comedy club is a
killing field for a guy who’s trying to show his best game on the first
date. On the surface, it looks harmless enough; you’ll have a few drinks
and a few laughs. The problem is that the comedian needs material---and
the material could be you. Never mind that he or she is probably some punk whose ass you’d royally kick on any other occasion. Tonight, he’s a loudmouth punk with a microphone, and there’s a good chance you’re gonna get verbally bitch-slapped, right in front of this chick you’re trying impress. Ever seen the Diceman chew up a couple sitting too close to the stage? Better pass on this one. |
|
|
2. Going Bowling - First of all, lets admit it: bowling is sort of lame unless you’ve been dating the girl for three years and literally have nothing else to do. Plus, it’s tough to make decent small talk amid all the grunting, groaning, and crashing of bowling pins; not to mention that group of beer-swilling rednecks in the lane next to yours. There is one good thing... you’ll look like an Olympic athlete next to the beer-bellied, Friday night regulars. No, you’re better off ditching those multi-colored, rented shoes to go play a few games of pool. And don’t forget to boil yourself when you get home... a bowling alley is a catastrophic biological accident waiting to happen. |
|
|
3. Going To A Carnival - You might be wondering what’s wrong with a carnival for a first date? Well, to start with, the Carneys who operate the rides can easily sniff out a couple on a first date, even with that onion/sausage/funnel cake-laden air hanging overhead. “Hey Buddy, c’mere! I’ll give you a free ride if you let me ride your girlfriend!” These Carneys are a pack of starving wolves and your girlfriend might as well be wearing a pork chop suit. Did we say “girlfriend?” Hell, it’s your first date with this chick! She’s not worth getting a black eye for at this stage of the game, is she? You’d better get the hell out of there after winning her a “free” thirty-five dollar stuffed St. Bernard. |
|
|
4. Flying A Kite - On the surface, this one seems fine. But there are too many variables beyond your control. Ever tried to fly a kite without wind? You’re running full out, sweating, with your face looking like a cartoon, dragging that miserable son of a bitch behind you, trying to “will” it up into the goddamn sky. Then you have trees, innocent bystanders (who, by the way, have a decent chance of getting your falling kite planted into the top of their cranium), cars, etc. Dammit, it looks so easy in the movies! Screw it. |
 |
5. Having Sex - We threw this one in here just
for a laugh. Of course, having sex on a first date is entirely
appropriate. That’s what she wants! (bet you're still waiting for that picture to change, right?) |
|
|
5. Going To A Family Barbeque - You do not want to do this, no matter whose family it is. The family always make too big of a deal over it, with stupid questions like “When’s the wedding?” We're not kidding. Plus, you’ll get inane queries like “What do you plan to do with your life?” You’d like to answer, “Well sir, in about two hours, I’ll be turning your precious little girl into a love pretzel.” But instead, like a dork, you say, “I’m looking at school... basically leaving my options open.” And if she has a younger sister who’s even hotter than she is, your evil thoughts will keep you in a sitting position all afternoon, lest you stand up and reveal that all-beef bazooka and put her entire family in therapy. |
|
|
6. Going To Dinner - It’s a classic, but not on a first date. There’s too damn much time to talk. And too much time to talk will inevitably lead to her spilling her guts about her former boyfriend, how many children she’d like to have someday, her “Daddy issues,” etc. You get the picture. It’s too much too soon! There’ll be plenty of time later to make each other miserable. By the end of the meal, you’ll be asking the waiter for the check and a loaded handgun, which you’ll probably be ready to use on yourself. |
|
|
7. Going On A Picnic - This one is sort of the Super Bowl of dates for women, don’t ask us why. Women just love the hell out of picnics. A first date may be the only time a man will agree to it but you will find precious few men who are willing to drive to the country, hike into the woods, lay down a tablecloth, and try to enjoy a meal surrounded by nature’s creatures of the air, land and sea... all who want a piece of that goddamned deviled egg you’re eating. It’s sort of in the same league as camping: on the surface it sounds ok, but in the middle of it, you’re stuck asking yourself one question. Why? |
|
|
8. Going To A Bonsai Specialty Store And Learning How To Trim A Bonsai, Then, Buy Your Date A Plant As A Gift And Remembrance Of Your Date! - Swear to God, we found this one in a doctor’s office, in a magazine article advising people on things to do on a first date. This is the kind of crap that makes men's heads spin. Ladies, do you really want your date to be pussy-whipped right out of the chute, on the first date? We just had to include this one when we saw it and, frankly, it’s probably funnier than anything we’ve written so far, which REALLY pisses us off. |
|
|
9. Playing Tennis - We agonized over this one because, generally, we happen to think it’s a pretty good first date. There’s one problem here. She might kick your ass. Of course, ordinarily, we men are confident enough in ourselves to handle defeat at the hands of a female, but tennis is different. Just by virtue of our vastly superior forehand and our ability to “muscle” the ball wherever we want it, we SHOULD be able to win, by God. If you want to take this chick to play tennis on a first date, be our guest. But we would suggest maybe getting a little scouting report on her game before being emasculated in front of God and country. |
|
|
10. Going To An IMAX Movie - This is another one we agonized over, because IMAX movies are cool. The theater is cool, too. And they’re dark. And comfortable. And before you know it, you’re transported back to those high school days when the teacher showed the class a dull-assed film, narrated by a boring, droning voice from the fifties, and your head became as heavy as your eyelids and soon... soon... well, soon the drool came flowing forth like the deadly lava streams of Vesuvius. Next thing you knew, the lights were on and half the class was in your face, examining that crystalline drool stalactite hanging from your lips. It became the stuff of high school legend. Do you want this chick, on your first date, to be exposed to your slovenly inability to stay awake in her presence? Not to mention, the inordinate amount of saliva that your piehole produces during REM sleep? Better skip the IMAX Experience and stay in the sunshine. |
|
|
11. Let The Wasted Wits Team Take You On The Perfect
First Date - We should start our date at a comedy club; in a little
area of the office known as The Wasted Wits Laugh Zone. After getting you
in for free, we'll push our office furniture up against the wall and let
you shave our backs while we rehash old George Carlin lines. Man, that's
hilarious!!!!! Next, we'll go bowling. Of course, we won't actually bowl. Rather, we'll stand on the sidelines spewing sarcastic invectives at all the losers who actually took their dates to a bowling alley. We'll even buy you some cheese fries. Next, we'll take you down to the local carnival where we'll work off those cheese fries with repeated spins on our favorite ride, the Tit O'Whirl. What? Oops, sorry! It's "Tilt?" Has it always been "Tilt?" I guess we misread the sign. Here's your bra back... uh, you're missing a hook. We'll let you choose the next activity on this first date. You say you want us to go fly a kite? Well, whatever you say, honey! After we fly the kite (we're always guaranteed a good convection wind after Eric fires up the quarter-acre grill), I think we'll know each other well enough to have sex, don't you? Then after a full 2-3 minutes (including clean-up) of counting ceiling tiles, it'll be time to head off to the family barbeque and that quarter-acre grill we mentioned earlier. You haven't lived until you've broken bread with a group of old school Florida Crackers with enough issues to put Dr. Phil himself into therapy. What say, we then go get some dinner. That's right, dinner. After all, our families will be so busy bitching at each other, they'll forget to light the grill. Wasted Wits is a classy group, so we'll let you pick the restaurant for the romantic dinner portion of the date. Just make sure that hush puppies and sweet tea enter the mix at some point. Now, after all that food, you say you want to go on a PICNIC? Uh... well... ah... okay, I guess. You women and your damn picnics! Where the hell is it? Damn these bugs! Hell, all this walking is probably making you thirsty. You have your choice of two drinks: Diet Peach Snapple, and Bourbon on the rocks. Neither one, huh? After our picnic, we know you'll enjoy "trimming the ole Bonsai." What's that, you ask? Well, it's sort of a Wasted Wits classic. No, it doesn't involve clippers. Okay, it's starting to get a little late and I know of a well-lit tennis court nearby... say what? You were National Junior Tennis Champion as a teen? Actually, I don't even think we have a racquet around here. Hey, they're showing the new Spider Man movie down at the Imax Theater. How about we go check it out? zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ |