Are you as sick as we are, of these candy-assed Presidential debates we've all suffered through lately? Wouldn't you just like to know which candidate is most in line with your own beliefs and skip all the network hoo-ha? Well, look no more! Wasted Wits' News Division is proud to offer you this free test to determine which candidate you most agree with. Upon completion, our exclusive super computer will calculate and deliver your next President of the United States! Please enjoy our first:

WASTED WITS RACE to 2008
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE CALCULATOR!
 

Basic Demographics

Gender: Male Female

Age:

Phone Number (only for females):

 

Iraq: What is your opinion on the war in Iraq?

Introduce “Supersized” meals among the Iraqi population.  In 3 months time, it should be no problem to catch those rocket-propelled-grenade-totin’-sons of bitches.

Go “Hiroshima” on their asses.

Elect the only candidate that scares them: Barak Obama.  To the Iraqis, it will sound just like: “Iraq, I’ll bomb ya.” 

Better to be at war than to have a president who likes blowjobs.

Have the Bush Twins lead the Holy Crusade against evil.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Immigration: What is your position on immigration in the United States?

Build a fence along the border. I am opposed to granting legal status to illegal immigrants.

Have Neal Sedaka write a theme song to convince outsiders to stay home.

Let them come… if you like cheap vegetables and a clean pool.

Have you ever actually BEEN to El Paso?  Let ‘em have it.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Taxes: Do you believe the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts should be made permanent?

No, I would love to give the government more of my money.

Hell yes.  I’m not as stupid as I look.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Stem-Cell Research: Should federal funding of embryonic stem cell research be expanded?

No. All of my family members are healthy.

Yes. Because Michael J. Fox says so.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Health Care: How do you feel about the concept of universal health care in America?

 Wait just a doggone minute!  If that happens, we may not have enough money to wage war and destruction across the planet.. 

 Let’s do it. I’d love to see Rush Limbaugh’s head explode.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Abortion: How do you feel about legalized abortion in the United States?

Abortion clinics should offer drive-through services and “frequent flyer” coupons; after ten abortions, the customer would receive the eleventh abortion for free.

I’m against it… unless my daughter gets pregnant.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Social Security: Do you favor the concept of privatization of Social Security to any degree?

What does that mean?

I don’t understand the question.

Bring it down to my level, Braniac.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Energy: How do you feel about federal assistance for the production of ethanol and/or biofuel as an alternative to oil?

Yes, but only if we can still stay in Iraq

No. Farmers would take all that new money and blow it on beer and poontang. Better to let the oil men continue to run things.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Marriage: How do you feel about a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman?

I oppose it because I muff-dive / smoke Pete’s pipe.

I favor it because I think my wife / husband may be thinking of changing teams.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

Death Penalty: How do you feel about the use of the death penalty for certain crimes?

Oppose it, unless we’re talking about O.J. Simpson.

Favor it, especially for those who surf on sophomoric humor websites like Wasted Wits.

Importance:

Not Important    Very Important

 

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