WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David thinks about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

Bacon is the only meat that loses over half of its gross weight during the cooking process... and we don’t care. If that happened to a sirloin tip roast, we’d be pissed.

Speaking of bacon... I could probably go vegetarian if there were no such thing.

Dick Cheney is predicting a huge win for Republicans in the 2010 mid-term elections. Let me get this straight because I’m not that bright:
The Republicans spent eight years creating two wars and bringing us to the brink of another Great Depression... and because Obama, in his first year, hasn’t been able to fully fix all the damage yet, the Republicans think we’ll vote them all back in?

I see People Magazine has named Johnny Depp, the “Sexiest Man” again. You ladies will have to be the judge of that but I thought I should go on record with a short list for the guys. In no order, here are my “Sexiest Women.”
1) Rita
2) Patty
3) Marie
4) Linda
That’s right. Anyone who appreciates the drivel we produce is irresistible.

There is something undeniably sexy about the actress, Scarlett Johansson. There is an aloofness about her that says, “You’ll never be with me.” A lot of women say that to me but she really pulls it off well.

I’ve had the TV tuned to Sounds of the Seasons a lot lately... they play Christmas music non-stop... and I’ve made several observations:
1) There are only 12 Christmas songs.
2) If it wasn’t for Christmas, Andy Williams might never be heard from again.
3) There is only one qualification you must have to make a Christmas record; you must have a pulse.
4) Songs that feature dogs barking out the melody, really bring meaning to the birth of Christ.
5) John Tesh must be destroyed.
6) Listening to Robert Goulet sing, “Silver Bells” is like being bludgeoned by those same silver bells.

Test of Self-Honesty- Come on... do you REALLY like pine nuts?

Just once, I’d like to have dinner with Robert De Niro. But only if I can call him “Bobby.”

Racecar driver Danica Patrick is a breath of fresh air; she’s not afraid to be a woman and not afraid to kick ass when she’s competing against the men.

Actress Meredith Baxter has just come out at age 62 and announced she is a lesbian. The studies say that women make this “change” much more frequently than men. My first thought is: Is it possible that we men are just not taking care of business? Do we hang with the guys too much? Is it because we don’t participate in those quiet, tender moments our women crave? Is it because we’re emotionally unavailable? I think the obvious answer to all of those is a solid “no.” I’m guessing that, after a certain age and number of years dealing with the opposite sex, that women simply want to be able to make love without having to go make their partner a sandwich afterward.

I have a cereal problem. I usually have Grape Nuts or Shredded Wheat but a part of me longs for my childhood cereals, Tony The Tiger and Trix. At what point did I make the change? I look forward to the day I’m old enough to say, “screw you” to those politically correct cereal know-it-alls and can just eat my goddamn Trix.

Speaking of getting older, I notice that a lot of my family has quietly but firmly moved over into the camp of those people who have to... no, NEED to get home before it gets dark. That used to be only for old folks. What is this pressing desire to be home when the sun goes down? My mother, my sister, their husbands... all of them will not be on the road after dark. What will happen, some sort of Cinderella thing? This aging process is strange. What, am I going to be tweezing my ears next? Will I soon be ordering the “Early Bird Special?” By God, I vow to drive after dark--over and over again. After all, I’m seventeen years old... in my mind.

Joe Lieberman needs an ass whippin’. His whiny, holier-than-thou attitude is getting to be insufferable. Even with one leg, I’m sure I could take him if I could get him on the ground.

Do you like eggnog? I do. It’s sort of like drinking a custard pie. I don’t like it spiked though. Oh, you’ll always find people who say, “you can’t taste the alcohol!!!!” but I always can. Just drink a glass a day through the holidays and the only thing that’ll fit you will be the bed sheet you’re sleeping on.

I’m sure that the 47 years Eric and I have been buddies must be a record for guys of our age. It wasn’t planned that way. We just discovered early on, that we each had the ability to make the other laugh. Personality-wise, we’re pretty much opposites. I’m more emotional and impulsive. He’s more logical and methodical. But, even from those early days making fun of teachers and entertaining classmates, our talents seemed to compliment each other. Besides, we now have enough dirt on each other that the friendship HAS to endure. I’m sure that, one day, he’ll share a few funny stories at my funeral and that makes me happy. So, I’d like to wish Eric and his family a happy and healthy new year and hope that Wasted Wits will make some well-deserved inroads into this crazy beast called Humor On The Internet.
And the same from here. I guess it's been said something like this before... "we just don't know how to quit this." E

This will be my last column for 2009 and I’d like to thank those who hung with us this year and with whom we shared a few laughs. Here’s to a great 2010!